Regarding support from the family to a girl being parented by a single father is always available and this factor can not deter men from going in for adoption. The Law makers should seriously think over this.

Very true that there are umpteen number of wonderful dads who can bring up a child with all their love and care, regardless of the gender of the child. When women are competing with men in so many fields, I do not understand why men do not want to fight for their ‘maternal-paternal’ rights!

I can understand the problems a girl will have to face during menarche if she is growing up with only her father. But in the case of any single parent family friends and relatives end up supporting and filling the void. Those relationship become very special.

It is sad that dads are not given a chance whether it is adoption or divorce. There are very capable dads out there who are waiting.

You have put it very well that the real strength for adoptive parents come from the conviction that they have for why they went in for adoption. Surely, it is this strength that percolates to the adoptee.

And the reason behind the rule that a single man is not allowed to adopt a girl child is not stated anywhere! It is surprising that no body has questioned it in the court of Law. I even spoke to the ex-chair person of CARA and she told me that even she had felt it discriminatory against men. During her tenure she had also debated about this issue but was not successful in bringing about a change.

Perhaps, the Law feels that a girl child may not get the required support from a single father, specially during her pubertal stage, when the need for a mother is felt very much. Or there could also be the fear of girl-child abuse that prevents the single man to adopt a girl child. Here also, many feel it discriminatory as there could be many homes wherein a widower father may have to take care of a girl child left behind by the dead mother. In all such cases there would always be the extended family that can lend support to the girl child.

I have come across on-line discussion forum on adoption wherein gay couples are fighting for their right to adopt a child. There was even a gay couple who had a child through surrogacy and were bringing up the child very well. If the law thinks that men are not ‘maternal’ enough to bring up a child, people argue that there are hundreds of homes wherein children born to husband and wife in a family are left most neglected and abused too in various ways! Then how can we deny so many children living in institutions a chance of getting love, care and nurturing from people ready to adopt them irrespective of their marital status or sexual preference???

Latha, I am curious about the reasoning behind not letting a man adopt a little girl. Do you know the reason?

We did minimise the circle in my family and so are my friends. I was as you called ‘over protected’ which is a misnomer as one could only protect. I faced the adult world with no problems, an engineer at 21, was responsible for 70 skilled shop floor workers, was an academic at 24, and since then travelled around the world, living in the West with a successful care

As far as the “gossip” is concerned, I think it is reducing now here too. People have become so busy with their own lives that they have no time to look what the neighbours are doing. Yes, I agree that these kind of gossiping that can spoil many relationships. I also feel that if the people are very open about announcing to the world the adoption, and also freely discuss this with their child, many of these issues do not crop up at all.

And your advice of keeping people away from the family circle may not serve much. On the contrary, it can lead to over protection. One day or the other the children need to grow up and face the adult world. Better prepare them from young age. If parents can be bold and firm with their convictions, then children also imbibe this courage and they can face any obstacle that they may have to face in the path of their journey.

#rupa:

I am sorry the posts have not been completed yet. I was busy answering a big controversy that has developed on what i wrote in these columns on adoption. You may check them at comments on Post 1. I will soon publish the next post.

Your first paragraph tell me that the parents in question are not ready for adoption (even if one of them is ready and willing as it requires both to take that ‘final step’) ,and any attempt to ‘bring the other person on board’, through a ‘psychological patch up by proving counselling’ is not only futile, but detrimental to the child to be adopted. In the West, where adoptions are very common, and generally very successful, that is the approach taken to avoid the scenarios that you have presented.

Much I like the Indian culture in which I was born into, nevertheless has ugly sides to it. One may say many cultures have darker sides too, which I agree, but Indian culture has the kind of dark shade which has pernicious effect. I am referring to ‘gossips’ by relatives, friends and just about any one who have tendency to poke their noses into affairs that are none of their business. Indians preach others and give unsolicited advice and pass comments, and as such draw attention to themselves. It is so different from Chinese, culture and hence Indians cannot claim that this is the factor of an ancient culture.

The reason why I drew attention to the culture is that I have seen very often ‘gossips’, unsolicted remarks and whisperings
are the enemies of an adopted child and its ‘physical parents’, and ruin the chances of the child and its ‘physical parents’ bonding together. They have often undone the work of months of counselling. Gossips have ruined the lives of even
children and their biological parents.

My strong advice to any parents desirous of adopting a child
is to cut drastically their links with friends and relatives, keeping only a small circle of them that too by invitation only.
I would even extend this to say to biological parents that the moment a child is born to them is the very moment they should narrow the circle of friends and relatives.