Many of the doubts and confusions about adoption are alleviated during the pre-adoption counselling sessions. Here it is very important to note that both the husband and wife need to be in total consensus to go in for adoption. In case one of them is not too sure or hesitant or unwilling, it is imperative on part of the other spouse to help him/her see their view point very clearly. Counselling can once again help to sort out their emotions and come to a willing agreement. Many times, when one of the parents was not too willing for adoption, issues have cropped up at a later stage when they start blaming each other and blame the adoption for whatever differences / ills that have happened to the relationships. This can have a devastating effect upon the adopted child. He/she would perceive neglect and rejection by parents and would get emotionally scarred. This may lead to behavioural problems or psychological depression. Adoption may be a one time procedure but parenting a child is a life long procedure that may require appropriate counselling and guidance on and off.
Once the child is brought home, the parents have a tricky task of announcing the child’s arrival to their home. If the parents have resolved their earlier apprehensions and are comfortable with the fact of adoption, the act of “telling people” becomes easy and smooth. They need to have the courage of conviction that they are doing the most wonderful thing by bringing home this child to whom they are giving a new life and the child is giving a new life to the parents too! Parents at no point need to feel guilty or ashamed of their decision. The fact of adoption need not be covered in secrecy. If they can boldly announce the arrival of this child, people around them will also respect their decision and gladly welcome the child! They would willingly come forward to offer any kind of support that may be required by the new parents.
Parenting a first child is always very challenging to anybody and so will it be for adoptive parents too. It is very necessary that the extended family lend all support to the new parents and instill confidence in them that they can be wonderful parents to the new child. There can be moments when the child may fall sick or get injured and there is a tendency on part of adoptive parents to over protect their child and shield the child from any mishaps. If anything were to go wrong the parents may blame themselves for their inexperience and think that other parents would manage their children better than themselves. These anxieties need to be addressed by an understanding adult and put their fears and doubts to rest.
Adolescence (the teenage) is a turbulent period for all children wherein the children need to find an identity of their own. The ‘identity crisis’ that many teenagers experience during this phase of life can be exacerbated even more in a child who has been adopted. However well adjusted the child may be with the fact of adoption and might have even taken pride in the fact that it has such loving parents, the “need to search for its roots” may become very strong at this stage. Parents out of their fear of “rejection and abandonment” by their child may try to conceal all available information from the child. They may try to hide information about from where the child was brought home or information about its birth family if it was known to them. But here the parents need to understand how important it becomes for the child to know its origin. They have a duty to understand this strong need of their child and render all possible support to find its roots. This suggestion may seem very cruel to the parents who may believe that their child may never return to them if it found out its birth family. But these are very hard facts that adoptive parents need to be aware of and be mentally prepared for such an enquiry from their child. They need to be as honest as possible in revealing the available information. Many a times, such honest revelation from them increases the love that the child has for them and it will respect them even more for respecting its own feelings. It can only be a curiosity to know its origin and once the search becomes fruitful, the adopted child may return to its adoptive family as the child may realize that the birth parents/family were only there for namesake and all the rearing has been done by these parents and the bonding here would be much more worthy and stronger than the bonding that has never taken place with its birth family. It is very important to keep the communication channels open and welcoming between the parents and children so that no misunderstandings or misconstruing of situations can occur.
Many adult adoptees have recounted their feelings of alienation whenever there was any family get together, where some comment or the other about how a cousin resembles her mother very much or how a cousin has taken after his grandfather in his way of expressing anger or how certain traits run in the family blood, making the adopted children feel uncomfortable and wonder about his/her own traits and where it would have come from?! The unknown, dark past may stagger them many a times. Similarly the unknown genetic make up of the child may create anxiety in the parents’ mind too at times when the child’s level of its intellectual ability or any tendency to develop certain unhealthy habits that were never seen in their family earlier may become very intriguing and causing undue fears. But these fears can arise in any parents’ mind and adoption should not become a scapegoat. Most of our fears are unfounded and most of them are assumed fears and not facts. Sharing these apprehensions and not suppressing them is the way to resolve many of these issues.
Here comes the role of self support groups of adoptive parents and adopted children, where the parents and children can discuss their issues with others who may be nursing similar feelings or who may have crossed over such obstacles with their own strategies and acquired wisdom, now ready to share with others. “Sudatta” is one such adoptive parents’ self support group that is functioning in Bangalore city. In fact most of the contents that I have written here are from the notes that I had made while listening to the lectures by the Sudatta faculties, that were arranged by us during our Counselling Training Course. I am indebted to Dr. Gayathri Bhat, Dr Saraswathi, to Smt Sheela Kamath and Smt Radha Nagesh who came over to deliver lectures on adoption in our 4 batches of Counselling Training in the 4 years from 2004 to 2007.
More about Sudatta and other Adoption agencies, and the process of adoption in my next Post.
………………….. to be continued
Very good post and informative one.. it would be good if u use sites like digg ,delicious and stumble upon to submit ur post …
these posts can help many people ..by those sites more people can get aware of these issues..
i am seriously in loss of my views as i have no background in these things ..perhaps i have never thought of these issues…
I can just appreciate ur work
From what I have read and know by interacting with psychologists and social services professionals is that counselling only helps and indeed should be attempted only if both ‘future parents’ have worked out themselves that they indeed interested in adoption, and are apprehensive about taking that ‘final step’.
Your first paragraph tell me that the parents in question are not ready for adoption (even if one of them is ready and willing as it requires both to take that ‘final step’) ,and any attempt to ‘bring the other person on board’, through a ‘psychological patch up by proving counselling’ is not only futile, but detrimental to the child to be adopted. In the West, where adoptions are very common, and generally very successful, that is the approach taken to avoid the scenarios that you have presented.
Much I like the Indian culture in which I was born into, nevertheless has ugly sides to it. One may say many cultures have darker sides too, which I agree, but Indian culture has the kind of dark shade which has pernicious effect. I am referring to ‘gossips’ by relatives, friends and just about any one who have tendency to poke their noses into affairs that are none of their business. Indians preach others and give unsolicited advice and pass comments, and as such draw attention to themselves. It is so different from Chinese, culture and hence Indians cannot claim that this is the factor of an ancient culture.
The reason why I drew attention to the culture is that I have seen very often ‘gossips’, unsolicted remarks and whisperings
are the enemies of an adopted child and its ‘physical parents’, and ruin the chances of the child and its ‘physical parents’ bonding together. They have often undone the work of months of counselling. Gossips have ruined the lives of even
children and their biological parents.
My strong advice to any parents desirous of adopting a child
is to cut drastically their links with friends and relatives, keeping only a small circle of them that too by invitation only.
I would even extend this to say to biological parents that the moment a child is born to them is the very moment they should narrow the circle of friends and relatives.
Waiting for your next post
# ram:
I very well understand that counselling can not be panacea for all issues. I t can only help people clear out many of the emotional clouds hovering so that they can see reason and the other perspective. I have made it very clear that the couple should be in total consensus about this issue.
As far as the “gossip” is concerned, I think it is reducing now here too. People have become so busy with their own lives that they have no time to look what the neighbours are doing. Yes, I agree that these kind of gossiping that can spoil many relationships. I also feel that if the people are very open about announcing to the world the adoption, and also freely discuss this with their child, many of these issues do not crop up at all.
And your advice of keeping people away from the family circle may not serve much. On the contrary, it can lead to over protection. One day or the other the children need to grow up and face the adult world. Better prepare them from young age. If parents can be bold and firm with their convictions, then children also imbibe this courage and they can face any obstacle that they may have to face in the path of their journey.
#rupa:
I am sorry the posts have not been completed yet. I was busy answering a big controversy that has developed on what i wrote in these columns on adoption. You may check them at comments on Post 1. I will soon publish the next post.
I said restricting the circle. I find gossips still do exist and Indians do interfere in all kinds of ways with th pretext of rendering help. Annoucing adoption to the world does not solve the problem as it is not the adoption per se which triggers gossip but seeing the child, observing its behaviour and commenting on it etc.. which are fodder to gossip. I wonder Indians will ever jettison his attitude.
We did minimise the circle in my family and so are my friends. I was as you called ‘over protected’ which is a misnomer as one could only protect. I faced the adult world with no problems, an engineer at 21, was responsible for 70 skilled shop floor workers, was an academic at 24, and since then travelled around the world, living in the West with a successful care
Parents, who are planning to adopt or who have already adopted, if they cannot stand up for themselves and what they believe in, will definitely have problems. Their problems are bound to trickle down to their children(adopted or biological).
We all have time for only so many people in our lives. They better be the people who love and support us with our dreams and wishes. They become the extended family of the adopted child. They are the ones that really matter. For the rest of the critisizing world the strength of the parents that adopt is all that matters and that strength comes from the REAL reason why they decide to adopt.
Latha, I am curious about the reasoning behind not letting a man adopt a little girl. Do you know the reason?
Hello prabha, welcome to my wordpress blog.
You have put it very well that the real strength for adoptive parents come from the conviction that they have for why they went in for adoption. Surely, it is this strength that percolates to the adoptee.
And the reason behind the rule that a single man is not allowed to adopt a girl child is not stated anywhere! It is surprising that no body has questioned it in the court of Law. I even spoke to the ex-chair person of CARA and she told me that even she had felt it discriminatory against men. During her tenure she had also debated about this issue but was not successful in bringing about a change.
Perhaps, the Law feels that a girl child may not get the required support from a single father, specially during her pubertal stage, when the need for a mother is felt very much. Or there could also be the fear of girl-child abuse that prevents the single man to adopt a girl child. Here also, many feel it discriminatory as there could be many homes wherein a widower father may have to take care of a girl child left behind by the dead mother. In all such cases there would always be the extended family that can lend support to the girl child.
I have come across on-line discussion forum on adoption wherein gay couples are fighting for their right to adopt a child. There was even a gay couple who had a child through surrogacy and were bringing up the child very well. If the law thinks that men are not ‘maternal’ enough to bring up a child, people argue that there are hundreds of homes wherein children born to husband and wife in a family are left most neglected and abused too in various ways! Then how can we deny so many children living in institutions a chance of getting love, care and nurturing from people ready to adopt them irrespective of their marital status or sexual preference???
I thought possibility of abuse could be one of the reason why a man cannot adopt a girl child. But how come abuse of a boy does not come to our minds as naturally. When a girl is abused a physical scar can be left but the emotional suffering is the same whether its a boy or a girl. Infact I think girls who come from abuse become self destructive and vulnerable whereas boys can be all that and abusive in their adult relationships.
I can understand the problems a girl will have to face during menarche if she is growing up with only her father. But in the case of any single parent family friends and relatives end up supporting and filling the void. Those relationship become very special.
It is sad that dads are not given a chance whether it is adoption or divorce. There are very capable dads out there who are waiting.
Prabha, I agree with you totally. Yes, people generally think that child sexual abuse can happen only to girls. No, wrong, it can happen to boys too. And there are chances of both boys and girls who were victims of abuse earlier, end up becoming perpetrators later in life.
Regarding support from the family to a girl being parented by a single father is always available and this factor can not deter men from going in for adoption. The Law makers should seriously think over this.
Very true that there are umpteen number of wonderful dads who can bring up a child with all their love and care, regardless of the gender of the child. When women are competing with men in so many fields, I do not understand why men do not want to fight for their ‘maternal-paternal’ rights!
Hey Latha! I liked your blog post. I was just casually looking up adoption and psychological issues, and wanted to just see how much people are aware. Reading your post was nice, I could see a lot of valid points and also reading those replies to your blog were equally interesting. I personally completely agree with you as well as Ram. He also makes such valid points, especially the scar that can remain in an adopted child due to the ‘gossips’ prevalent in our society. It is still there, however busy people may be in their lives. I personally have seen where the thought of adoption itself was blown out of proportion and finally had to give up the whole idea. Also, where he talks about cirlce becoming restricted. Yes, in our society I think that’s what happens of there’s an adopted child. People get filtered out and then remain those very few who are actually with you in your up’s and down’s.
I do agree when you Latha, when u say that the ‘parents-to-be’ need to be counseled, if one of them is not too keen. I know of frnds who went thru the same and they did get help to resolve the issue. I being a psychologist can assure anyone in doubt that i or another counselor/psychologist can help couples reach a consensus, or help the spouse to see why the other person does not want adoption. Not all may reach a consensus with the help of a counselor, because there may be spouses who have a valid reason for not willing to adopt.
A professional who knows his/her job responsibilities will surely be able to see if the couple should go ahead wih adoption or not and would advice accordingly. And this counselor’s support will be needed on and off, when things get difficult in the family- where the child feels left out, ignored, rejected, or when family makes remarks, or ‘gossips’.
In all a beautiful post Latha.
Ram, good and relevant points in your reply. No one could have given a better insight than someone who has been there.